What Hurts the Most
by Gemmika
Summary: Bella keeps going... even when there isn't anything left to live for. A one-shot songfic.


What Hurts the Most

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Twilight series, too bad…

A/N: This is my very first Twilight fan-fic so please let me know what you think! For the record, this story is supposed to be a little disjointed because it happens during Bella's zombie days in New Moon and I'm sure most of her thoughts weren't exactly coherent during this time.

What Hurts the Most?

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me**

I sat at my desk, watching the rain fall noisily outside my window. Not like it wasn't always raining, I just couldn't keep my thoughts on the Calculus homework in front of me. It was dangerous these days to let my thoughts wander, most of the time I ended up clutching my chest in pain as though I was falling apart. In all honesty I wasn't whole anymore, but that wasn't something I liked to dwell on. In fact, it was something that I forbade myself to think about in the hours I was forced to deal with other people and act normal.

I was good at being numb, at not feeling anything. Since that horrible night so many months ago, a lifetime ago, I had created a cozy little shell of numbness around myself. It helped keep out all the memories of the life I had created and that had been destroyed.

I laid my head down on my desk and let the cool wood sooth my flushed face. It felt good, having something cold near me. I tried not to remember why that was and I succeeded in pushing the unwanted thoughts away. It was still raining, but I couldn't care less. It was only when it was sunny outside that I felt stirrings of unease shoot through me. The weather couldn't be warm and happy when my insides were so cold and dead.

There was a knock at the door and my head lifted off the desk so I could stare at the sound that had saved me from my thoughts. My dad Charlie peeked his head around the frame when I didn't respond and he looked at me with concern in his eyes. "Bells, it's time for bed, honey," he said in a cautious voice. I nodded.

"Thanks dad," I responded and shut my books automatically, turning off my desk lamp and grabbing my bathroom bag so I could clean up before tucking myself away into my nightmares.**  
**

**I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
even though going on with you gone still upsets me**

I crawled into bed and curled up into a ball, trying unsuccessfully to keep myself warm… and keep myself together. I hated sleeping now because it was the only time when I couldn't fend off the memories, when I couldn't pretend that I was okay. The memories hit me hard and strong in the dark, destroying what was left of my heart. I cried often at night, when Charlie wasn't there to see me go to pieces. I was used to my evening routine by now, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I would fall into bed, try to fend off memories and end up screaming myself awake at least once during the night. Once if I was lucky, that was. It was the same every night, the same dream of endless nothing spread out before me. Nothing to find, nothing to see, nothing to hear… nothing inside me. It didn't take a psychologist to figure out what it meant. I knew exactly why I had these dreams, but I wasn't going to share them with anyone. I was very good at pretending now after so many months of forcing myself to go about daily routines. It honestly didn't bother me that I went to sleep crying, it meant that there was still some life left in me.

Though, the truth was that I didn't want life, not without _him_. Even just thinking about _him_ made me cringe and hug myself tighter as I curled deeper under my blankets. How was I supposed to live without _him_? I knew this was dangerous territory, but at night I couldn't stop myself. There was no protection from the dark, from the ever encroaching madness that crept upon me once I closed my eyes. I just had too many memories to force myself to repress. Even in this bed there were memories. _His_ arms wrapped around me as hehummed the lullaby he had composed for me, _his_ lips brushing my hair as he whispered hislove for me.

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, spill down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them. I ached to be warm, but at the same time I ached for ice cold arms to wrap around me, holding me tight as I slept…

I hated the darkness.

**  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
but that's not what gets me**

School seemed to pass by in a blur like it always did these days. I walked from class to class, going about my business like I did every day. I sat and ate my lunch automatically, without any conscious thought that I was doing something. It was almost as though my brain had been programmed to go on living when my heart and brain had shut down. It was strange what your body could keep doing when your soul was gone.

I walked through the front door of my house and up the stairs to my room without any memory of how I had gotten there. I actually had to walk back outside to make sure my truck was in the driveway and I hadn't walked home by mistake. It was there, a comforting sight because I knew that its absence would have worried Charlie. Honestly, he was the only reason I kept living. I didn't want to let my dad see me like he had that first week after… no, I didn't think of that in the light hours.

I shook my head and began preparing dinner. Charlie would be home soon and I knew he would be hungry. I watched as my hands grabbed all the ingredients I would need to make meatloaf and yet I was strangely detached from the process. It didn't take long to finish up, so I went upstairs to do my homework. Life kept going, even when you didn't know why.

**  
What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away**

I found myself in a new dream, a different dream. It was more than a dream… it was a memory, my very worst memory.

I saw _him _as he had been that day, beautiful and aloof, eyes dark and emotionless. I saw the dark forest stretching around us as he whispered the words that had shattered my world and destroyed my sanity. _"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."_

"_You…don't…want me?" _

"_No."_

Our conversation passed in the same way it had that day in the forest. I begged him not to do what he was doing, he hadn't answered me and I hadn't said all the things that had weighed down my heart. I had let him kiss my forehead and then walk, or in his case run away from me as fast as he was able. I hadn't been enough for him… not even close to enough.

**  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**

I woke up screaming again, this time in agony and not in fear. I clutched my pillow to my mouth, biting into it as I tried hard not to let Charlie hear my gut wrenching sobs.

No. That one little word had killed me; my whole future had crashed around me in that moment. I had lost everything with that one word. The worst part had been that I hadn't known how to respond, that I had let him go without fighting for him. Yes, I had begged him not to do what he was doing, but I hadn't said what was in my heart. I hadn't told him how much I loved him or how much a part of me he was.

"I love you," I whispered, "I love you so damn much." The tears poured out of my eyes and I was powerless to stop them.

I would never know what my life could have been like with _them, _the beautiful, wonderful family I had accepted as my own. I would never know what it was like to spend an eternity at the side of the person I loved more than life itself. I would never know again the passion of _his _kiss or see an ocher eye glint warmly at me. My future was lost forever, never to find it again.

****

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  


I sat down at my usual lunch table the next day without noticing the people who sat down around me. I hadn't varied in my routine since the beginning of the year, so I assumed I was still sitting with the same group of people. It didn't really matter much anymore though; it wasn't like I did anything with my friends these days.

I looked up and saw the familiar faces of Mike Newton and Angela Weber. Wasn't it odd that the only thing I could think of when looking into Mike's friendly face was that I never wanted him to sit beside me, holding my hand while I got stitched up? I shuddered at the thought, refusing to remember where that bit of insight came from.

Mike happened to glance up and see that I was looking in his general direction. He didn't look at me long, probably assuming that I wasn't really looking at him. I guessed I could understand why, it wasn't like I talked to him much outside of work. Carefully I pulled my numbness around me again, locking myself in the protective cocoon.

**Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret**

I awoke after another nightmare filled evening. At least I took comfort in the fact that it wasn't the memory again, I didn't think I could keep living through that afternoon. It hadn't killed me the first time, but it was bound to do the job eventually.

I groaned as I rolled out of bed… another day lay ahead of me; more hours to fill with phony smiles and automatic responses. Was this ever going to get better? Was I ever going to stop feeling as though life was passing me by because my chance to really live had already come and gone? Was that fair that I had been given no choice in the matter at all?

I grabbed my necessities and headed into the bathroom. I didn't have much choice in the matter after all. Charlie would notice if I wasn't going about my daily routine. Besides, I had promised that I would keep going for Charlie, even if I had nothing else to live for… and I always kept my promises.

**  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**


End file.
